When Big J was about to start kindergarten, a friend of mine told me about some parents she knew who were holding their children back a year, not because they needed to mature socially or because of a learning concern, but so they would be the bigger, more athletic kids in their class.
My jaw hit the floor. At the age of five, these children were already expected to have amazing athletic careers and the pressure was being put 0n them by their very own parents.
What if they have no interest in sports? What if they get burned out before they even hit high school? What if, despite being held back, they aren’t the biggest or strongest or most athletic?
I don’t know – maybe this doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, but my heart hurts for these kids. And this situation really made me do a heart-check about raising children.
This post could really be titled several different things…
I don’t HAVE to raise an all-star athlete.
I don’t HAVE to raise a straight A student.
I don’t HAVE to raise a world-class musician.
When we put our main focus on raising talented children, we are missing God’s main calling to us as parents…
Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it. ~Proverbs 22:6
Our children need us to be more concerned about who they are than what they can accomplish. They should know following Jesus and having good character are more important than getting good grades or winning trophies. We may say these things are priorities, but we also have to show it in the way our families live and interact.
My friend Jen from Balancing Beauty and Bedlam recently wrote a powerful post in her 31 days series {it’s amazing – you need to be following it} about the way we compliment our children…
Use words that focus on your child’s character qualities, NOT on performance based abilities or talents. Do NOT get into the habit of praising performance!! When that is the end game, it plants seeds of unworth that we will always struggle to relinquish. ~Jen Schmidt
Jen’s children ARE beautiful and smart and athletic, but she models for us such a great way to show our children the important things in life. Their worth is not found on the football field or in the classroom, but in Jesus.
I have definitely fallen into the trap of praising performance over character. It is easy to reward accomplishments, but it takes work to really look for character growth and give specific feedback encouraging them in this area. It is worth that work.
I do not intend for this post to seem like we should completely ignore the talents our children exhibit. As our children grow, we will discover the interests and gifts God has designed in them. We will nourish and encourage those as only a loving parent can do. But let’s put aside our performance-based expectations and dreams for our children in favor of praying for and celebrating God’s work in their hearts.
I'm Erin, a wife, boy mom x 3, writer, and runner in Nebraska! I'm excited to share all my favorites relating to faith, family, fashion, and fitness in this space! Enjoy! 
Erin: I so love this. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even care about education. OK, I do. But you know what I mean? My kids are only in one thing each (gymnastics and ballet) plus we go to church, school 2 days a week, the chiropractor (which isn’t anything for their future, but it’s just something else we do) and I feel like I’m taxiing them around everywhere and I can SEE them missing being at home. They NEED to be playing together and enjoying home and family.
And yes, to the praising them for character instead of performance. Great post, friend!
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Totally agree with this! We get a lot of negative comments from our relatives about how our kids are in organized sports right now. Logistically it hasn’t been possible because I am one person and trying to be in 2 possibly 3 places at once just isn’t possible, so we tend to sign up for non-competive fun things. People think we are holding our kids back, but my thought is…why does our world revolve around sports. Why do people think that every child NEEDS to be in a sport and assume they will. My nephew was held back 2 years…yes you read that right because he is smaller than his peers right now…very bright, but his parents had sports on their minds and wanted him to have an edge socially and athletically. So sad. He will be almost 20 when he graduates from high school:(
Yes, they need to know who they are in Christ – not in a ‘self-help’ mentality. Great post, sweet friend!
Great advice! Sometimes I find myself pushing Molly a little bit more than she should be pushed at 6. I am competitive by nature, so it’s hard to hold back. But I love the idea of complementing on character not performance. It’s something as parents we should do daily, but I clearly needed a huge reminder today!