This title is a little misleading because, whatever a woman chooses to do, there is work involved.
I actually didn’t really want to write about this topic, but I’ve been saddened by the divide between stay-at-home and working moms and I couldn’t resist any longer.
I’ve been in both situations.
My little Packer fan at about five months ago
I worked for the first two years of Big J’s life. Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved to be at home. Many of my friends left the workforce at that time to stay home with their babies and my heart ached to be there too.
But the timing and circumstances were not right. And God was still in control.
Big J and Sharon, our amazing daycare provider
We found the most wonderful in-home daycare. I loved my job and my workplace and my co-workers. God even gave me a specific mission while I was there, and it was amazing to be a part of Him moving in that school. And as a teacher, I had my summers off, which was glorious.
Our growing family, one week after Little J was born
When Little J came along, the door was opened to stay home and that is where I have been since.
Maybe you would think that since I love staying at home, this post will be all about why every woman should be at home.
Nope. Not at all.
All I want to say is…
Stop fighting about it. Stop judging other women for their choice to work or not to work. You can be secure in your choice without belittling someone else.
And nobody ever felt loved being told they were wrong.
I just mentioned to the hubby the other day that I felt like I was so much more attentive to Big J when I WAS working. I was so happy to see him at the end of the day and some days, i didn’t want him to go to bed because we were having so much fun!
I read an article when I was first pregnant that discussed this very debate. The issue of quality of time versus quantity of time was widely discussed. And now, having been on both sides, I see exactly what they were talking about.
I know many working women on Twitter who are FABULOUS mothers – I so enjoy reading about the family time and special memories they create when they do get to be with their children. It is beautiful.
I also love reading about the women who spend their days taking care of children and home. I am confident this is where God wants me right now and I am learning to be a better homemaker, wife and mother as I go.
Some of you may disagree, but I don’t see a RIGHT answer here. The situations of families are unique. The leading of the Lord in each woman’s life is unique.
Go ahead and have healthy discussions on this topic, but can we take the “mean girl” aspect out of it, please?
Love the women in your life where they are. You will not “convince” them to change to “your side” by criticizing them.
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I know there are women on both sides of this so-called debate that read this blog – I would love to hear your stories of how you came to a decision on this matter!
I'm Erin, a wife, boy mom x 3, writer, and runner in Nebraska! I'm excited to share all my favorites relating to faith, family, fashion, and fitness in this space! Enjoy! 
Great post, Erin. Yeah, why all the harsh feelings about this topic? I, too, have done both sides and I firmly believe that each family simply needs to figure out what is best for them. Each school year (since I am a teacher) my hubby and I reevaluate my current job status and decide what we’d like to do for that year. Because I still need to generate some kind of income right now, we just have to decide the best way to do that: working outside of the home full time, part-time, or working full time from home which is what I do now. Every situation comes with its challenges and blessings. I think the key is to learn to bless your family and your children in whatever situation the Lord leads you to. Thanks for posting, Erin! I’m loving this series!
“I think the key is to learn to bless your family and your children in whatever situation the Lord leads you to.” Love that Latrice. That is exactly right. Thanks dear 🙂
I agree, it is a personal choice. I worked full-time for 3 yrs when we first started homeschooling, and was “judged” at every Homeschool meeting. As a nurse it’s also a blessing that I was able to quickly find weekend only work when my husband lost his job. My heart aches though for the women who want to be home and/or want to Homeschool, yet can’t figure out how to do so. I always encourage them to trust God and go w/ the desires of their heart. 🙂 Great post Erin, you handled it beautifully.
I too feel that ache for women who want to stay at home but can’t. Thank you for sharing your experience and heart – what a blessing!
this is a very touchy subject. We have a rule at our house, taking a year off work and concentrate on the baby. I like that rule and my husband is the one who established it. I would love to keep staying home until my children are all in school, but i returned to my part time job. My husband believes it will be better for us if i work part time, so we can meet our financial goals. I was struggling with his decision and spent many days praying about this. I wanted to stay home and i wanted God to make it happen. But in the end, my husband was still conviced that i need to return to my job. I know that his decisions have always played out right, because he is a man of God and he is accountable for me and the kids. I don’t like it when women push one idea or the other and make each other feel guilty. If you have a man that you are married to, godly or ungodly, it is to your benefit to respect what he thinks and live a a godly woman yourself. Decision should be made by each family.
I work full-time and love my job. There was a time where I wanted to be home, but feel that me working is the best for our family. As a working mom, I wish there was time to connect with others in my same situation. Because our family time is so limited, I feel the mommy guilt even more when I am away from my kids outside of the working day. I think many working moms feel isolated because of this. There isn’t a forum where this population of women can connect.
As far as my kids are concerned, I make a point to do fun things with them on the weekends so we do get lots of quality time. I enjoy these things the most. My husband stays home with the kids 3 days a week and they go to daycare the other two. I feel blessed that my boys get to spend so much time with their father.
My first was born while I was still in college. I worked then because we needed the money. After graduation, my husband got a good job, but I felt that I needed to work. After all, I just spent 5 years to get a degree. I needed to make those years count!
It took me a long time to find a job and I loved the time I had at home with my son. But working was a relief, too. When it came time for baby #2 to arrive, we decided that I would stay home. My workplace environment wasn’t all that great and I made so little that there would have been nothing left over after paying daycare. I was home for a year – and miserable! Mostly, it was post-partum depression that I was dealing with. But we concluded that I was better off mentally if I worked. It would give me routine, get me out of the house on a regular basis, etc.
I ended up back at the same company I worked for the first time. It was still the same kind of work environment, but I ended up working on a special project and did things totally different from everyone else. So I was part of things, but not. It was just what I needed. I did pull out of the depression and was doing well.
Then, my little one got sick. He was constantly ill. He’d get a fever, or he’d throw up, or something. So he’d have to be picked up from daycare and then stay home the next day as well. I was usually the one to have to stay home – one month, I was there for less than half the working hours. And that was only because I worked afternoons and evenings. If I worked the day shift, I would have not been there at all.
Finally, the doctor said that as long as he was in daycare, my son would be sick. He just picked up every little germ. So we decided then that I would quit work. And I did that week. I was freaking out – since my previous experience at home was so bad.
Well, I’ve been a stay at home mom for 6 years straight, and I love every moment of it. Yes, there are times that I want to work, but whenever I get that itch, God sends me a reminder that my workplace is my home.
Yes, my story is a little different, but it’s MY story. Not yours. And I think that’s what is most important. That you live what’s best for you; that you live your own story and not someone else’s.
Love, love, love this, Erin! I wish we could see each other again post LHS days. Tell your hubby to do family practice and move back!
I have also been on both sides. I was supremely blessed when my husband told me I didn’t have to work any longer. Even though my daughter is a 7th grader and an only child, I love being able to pick her up from school. To ask about her day and actually part of her life. I am not saying women who work can’t do that, I just know personally I wasn’t being able to when I worked. I have a chronic GI disease and it takes a lot out of me energy wise. With work and being mom, wife and home care taker, important issues were being missed by me. I have had several woman (non Christian) ask me why I choose to stay home now that my child is in middle school. They have blatantly said she doesn’t need you as much now. Hmmm I think she needs me more now. Great article thank you!
I agree. My only thought on this is that it irritates me when women say they “can’t” stay home but don’t honestly look into doing so. When they could stay home if they would only sit down to crunch the numbers, pray about it, and perhaps give up a lifestyle to which they are accustomed.
I feel blessed that we were never a two-income family because I think that would make this staying home harder. We’ve always been financially stretched so our income is what it is.
I’ve had it pretty bad. Because of my husband’s schedule when we first got married, we made the decision that I would stay home so that we would get to see each other when he wasn’t working (alternating shifts on a military base). When we moved back to the U.S. 2 years later, we had gotten used to sharing one car, crunched the numbers and realized that right now, it made less sense for me to work, because of car payment/insurance vs. what I could make in this economy. We honestly felt like there were people who needed any job I could get more.
But what I mean when I said I’ve had it pretty bad is that because for these 4 years of marriage we didn’t have children, people look at me weird and will ask what I do all day. I’ve been made to feel that not having a child there wasn’t a point. As people who had fertility issues that always stung. And more importantly I always wanted to respond, “Well, we save money that we’re able to put away and I have the time and energy to be a better wife to my husband…who’s pretty important!” Now, 8 months pregnant I still get weird looks sometimes, but they seem to be lessening.
I think what is fascinating is that even as a military family living on just that income, we’ve been able to afford things more than a 2 paycheck family, without using any credit cards. Because I’ve stayed at home, I make sure we keep an eye on unnecessary spending, that we save money. It’s made this transition to having a child (and the expense that comes with) so much easier. Some women like to work, and I applaud them, but I’ve come to see that I enjoy being at home.
your post is so right! when i meet women, I ask, “do you work for pay or at home?” 🙂 this is such an emotional issue! it doesn’t have to be. i have heard more women apologetically saying that they work out of the home. they don’t need to apologize if they know that is where God wants them for now.
at the heart of the problem for many of us may be that we are concerned what our sisters think of us. their opinions are way at the bottom of the list. the important opinions are God’s, our husband’s, and how our job impacts our children. outside of that, the other opinions are unimportant.
of course we want their approval. we just need to realize that on the list of important opinions, theirs don’t make the list. we don’t even have to get in a discussion about it with them.
as a pastor’s wife (now retired) it saddens me to see our women get divided over this issue. between this issue and the schooling issue, there is so much squabbling. this is an issue to decide between you, your husband and God. honestly, it is no one else’s business. there are advantages and disadvantages to each decision that you and your husband and children have to bear. there is no reason for you to be pressured into making a decision you are uncomfortable with…or that is a poor fit for you.
don’t be bullied into decisions like this by others…and that is what it is no matter how spiritual the words sound. the people who bear the consequences of the decision need to make it with God. that’s it:) if others feel the need to involve themselves in the rightness or wrongness of the decision…walk away with a smile.
I love the way you approach this topic, Erin. I, too, have been in both situations and enjoyed different things about each season. Now, as a work from home mom of teens I feel like I have the best of both worlds {for our family} because I am here when they get on/off the bus and to supervise their time with their friends,etc. We have become the house where everyone hangs out after school and I wouldn’t be able to do that if I worked a 9-5.
Because I have encountered so many different situations, I firmly believe that we are not here to judge the decision’s of others but to love and support them in any way we can. This is especially true of the single moms in our lives who don’t have the luxury of choice in this matter.
Great blog, Erin. You come from a history of women who worked outside the home off and on, some part time, some teachers. Your grandmothers both worked some, and I was able to work part time after staying home for a year with each of you. I was not the best stay-at-home mom, being a person who thrives much better when having to meet a schedule, and also needing the intellectual stimulation I got from work — that’s just how I am. I’m blessed to have daughters who grew up to be wonderful women, wives and mothers (although one is still expecting her first, I know her, and she will be a wonderful mom as well). I applaud your efforts to calm the debate — we all need to learn to be more accepting and reasonably discuss many more issues in this world. Love ya! Mom
I’ve been on both sides too. I came home shortly before my second was born. It’s unfortunate to see the harsh feelings on both sides. It seems like it comes from discontentment – unable or unwilling to do what it takes to be on the other side or be happy with where God has placed you. When I hit the point of discontentment with my work, I found that God was calling me home.
When we first found out I was pregnant with Jocelyn and she was due the during the first week of school…we decided that it would be best for me to take a year off from teaching…I traveled a lot with my job and had a lot of evening and weekend commitments with the area I taught for. We thought it was important for us to have a peaceful home, where we weren’t always going to and from. Even though we were losing my income, we prayed that the Lord would provide for us no matter how great or small. We were determined to make it work. My husband was then offered a new job a few months after Jocelyn was born that completely replaced my teaching salary. That was an answer to our prayer in that area and I personally wouldn’t trade going back to work full time for anything. We both had a strong desire for our children to be home schooled…and I wake up every morning, excited about what my children are about to learn…and what I am about to teach them.
My heart breaks when friends/family have a strong desire to stay at home, but can’t find a way to make it work. I sometimes see…but NOT always, people putting value on stuff (huge new houses, fancy cars, name brand clothes, activities, vacations etc) and then say they can’t afford to stay at home…not seeing if they change their life style a bit…then (I believe) they could possibly make it work.
It is a heavy debated topic…thanks for being honest and bringing it up! Every family is different and needs to pray about where God is wanting them to be…whether it is at home or in the work place away from home.
I have been a stay at home since my toddler was born. So I haven’t experienced both sides. But it can be really hard to cherish every moment with your child when you are with her 24/7. It’s easy (at least for me) to focus on the things I want to get done around the house (and online, ahem) vs spending quality time with her. I tend to take our time together for granted since it’s an ongoing pretty much constant thing. This is something I am working on. Letting the housework and selfish priorities slide and focusing and cherishing this time that we have together. Because it won’t last forever.