Today I have officially been married for half my life. I married at 21; it’s my 21st anniversary.

And I am so, so glad that those early years of marriage are behind me.

My husband Keith and I speak at FamilyLife marriage conferences in Canada, and we often open by saying, “We’ve been married for 21 years and happily married for 16.” People snicker, but it’s the truth. Those first few years were hard!

And the biggest reason was sex.

No one gets married with the thought: “I know I’ll have no libido and sex will be a sore spot between us.” No, we get married with dreams of this glorious honeymoon and years of rapturous bliss; years when we stay in bed on a Saturday morning just because we can and we make love multiple times. Years when we can’t keep our hands off of each other.

Then the reality hits.

The problem is that, in general, men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love. So we have totally different approaches to sex. And when we don’t feel cherished, our bodies often don’t respond. Sex becomes blah, an obligation, rather than something fun.

Add kids to the mix, and who wants someone else hanging off of them at night when you’ve had kids hanging off of you all day?

And so, for many couples, sex becomes rare.

I know it did for me, largely because I felt like he only wanted me for one thing. The more Keith wanted sex, the more I felt rejected as a person. I know it makes no sense, but that’s how I interpreted it. And he felt unloved because I didn’t want him. It was a vicious circle.

It took us years to get off of that negative spiral and into something positive. I know this is going to sound odd, but we developed a positive feedback loop when we looked to God. God and sex don’t seem to go together, but that’s only because we’re used to thinking of sex as something only physical, and therefore kind of shallow. But God created sex! And He didn’t do it grudgingly, thinking, “Well, they have to reproduce somehow, and this is the best I can come up with.” He did it with a purpose.

See, we approach sex differently because in order to get our deepest needs met (men for affirmation through sex, women for affection), we have to reach out and meet our spouse’s deepest need. We actually become more selfless! Not only that, but in order for things to work well in the bedroom you need to become vulnerable.
You need to communicate. You need to give. And all of those qualities are awfully good, too.

And then, what makes sex really great is that when we become more vulnerable, and when we truly love each other, we realize that sex isn’t only physical. It’s actually meant to make us intimate spiritually and emotionally, too.

That can sound like a tall order when you fall into bed exhausted every night because your life is so busy with kids and housework and errands and work. But I worry that too many of us are missing out on the abundant life God has for us. And part of that abundance, once you’re married, is sex. Ignore sex because it’s become too much of a hassle and you get rid of one of the primary tools to energize us, make us feel connected, and even make us sleep better!

So how do you get there? When sex has become a sore spot in your marriage, or it’s just become blah, how do you hit that reset button and try to develop better habits?

I think it comes with a change of mindset, and then mixing things up a bit! For me that mindset shift was the biggest one. I said to myself,

I believe God. And God says that sex is great. So if it isn’t great in my marriage, then I’m missing something. It’s not because there’s something wrong with me; God wants me to have an abundant life. So am I going to believe God and try to find that abundant life, or am I going to believe my own experience and figure, this is all there is for me?

I decided to act on faith and have a great time in the bedroom! And, over the course of the next few years, it worked.

I hope it doesn’t take years for you. In fact, I’m hoping you can find some answers in just 31 Days! That’s why I wrote the 31 Days to Great Sex. Everyday has a 1-3 page reading you do with your husband, and then a challenge. And it’s not like all the challenges have you swinging from the chandeliers! Some challenges are just talking things over. Some are finding ways to come to peace with your body image. Some are learning to flirt, or laugh, or play. And there certainly are challenges to help it feel physically wonderful. But over these 31 Days you’ll learn how to experience true emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical fireworks in the bedroom.

And one of the best benefits is that you’ll really start communicating again–in a fun way!

It’s a downloadable ebook, so you can have it within two minutes. Order it here (to read on your iPhone, iPad, ereader, computer, Kindle, or to print out). It even comes with links to downloadable coupons you can put in your husband’s stocking. It will be the best Christmas gift you can give him!

Don’t settle for a blah marriage. That’s not what God intends. Make it stupendous! And then your 21st anniversary can be awesome, too.

Sheila Wray Gregoire is an international speaker, columnist, and the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. She also blogs everyday at http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com.

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A huge thank you to Sheila for this wonderful post and for her ministry to couples! Now go grab her ebook, print out the coupons, and surprise your spouse with a fun gift this Christmas!

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